He is shouting, he is not entirely wrong, and you are doing this in your second language. You cannot out-shout him and you must not apologise for things that aren't true. What's left is a small set of phrases and a very steady voice.
The Scene 🎬
Ninety seconds in and he hasn't taken a breath.
Something has gone wrong at his end and he has decided, loudly, that it is entirely your fault. Some of it is. A good deal of it isn't, and one part of it is his own team's doing — which you know and cannot say yet.
Two instincts will hurt you here. The first is to defend yourself while he's still going, which makes him louder because he doesn't feel heard. The second is to apologise for everything just to stop the noise — and an apology you don't mean will be quoted back at you for a year.
The move is unglamorous: let it run, take the part that's yours, and get to a question. And there's a second-language problem underneath, because someone shouting in your second language is genuinely harder to follow, and you have to say so without losing authority.
How do you react when someone shouts at you at work? What's your instinct — argue, apologise, or go quiet?
Is anger ever useful in a business conversation? Does it work?
YouPartly responsible, mostly not, and working in your second language while somebody shouts.
AntonThe client. Genuinely under pressure from his own board, embarrassed about something he's not mentioning, and not really shouting at you.
First: read the conversation and count how long You lets him go before saying anything substantive. The first real sentence doesn't arrive until he's finished — and that's what changes the temperature.
The Conversation 💬
A phone call, Monday morning, no warning.
Anton—and I've got the board asking me on Thursday why the numbers don't match, and I'm sitting there with nothing, because your team has had this since March and nobody has—
YouMm.
Anton—nobody has told me anything. Not a word. And frankly this is exactly what happened last year and I was assured, assured, that—
You…Right.
AntonSo what am I supposed to tell them? Go on. What do I tell them on Thursday?
YouOkay. I'm not going to defend anything while you're still angry, because that'll just make it worse. Can I take the bit that's ours first?
Anton…Go on then.
YouYou should have had a status update in April and you didn't. That's ours, it's mine, and I'm not going to explain it away. I'm sorry.
AntonRight. Well. Thank you.
YouSorry — can you slow down for me a second? You're going quite fast and I want to make sure I've got the actual problem, not just the shape of it.
Anton…Yes. Sorry. Yes.
YouJust so I've got this right — Thursday is the deadline, and the thing you actually need is a reconciliation you can put in front of the board. Is that the real problem, or is there something underneath it?
Anton…It's that. And — look. Between us, my own finance team have known about the gap since February and told me on Friday. So I'm going in there with egg on my face either way.
YouAh. Right. That's a different problem, and I'd have been furious too.
AntonYeah. Sorry for taking it out on you.
YouHonestly, don't worry. Let's do the useful bit — what would you need in your hand on Thursday for it to be survivable?
AntonA one-page note. Something that says what happened and what's being done, that I can hand round.
YouYou'll have it Wednesday morning. And I'll ring you Wednesday afternoon so you can tell me it's wrong before Thursday rather than after.
From memory — don't scroll back up.
What does You say instead of defending, while Anton is still shouting?
What is actually underneath Anton's anger, and what question uncovers it?
What two things does You commit to at the end — and why is the second one clever?
1. Almost nothing — "Mm" and "Right" — until he's finished. Then: "I'm not going to defend anything while you're still angry, because that'll just make it worse."
2. His own finance team knew about the gap since February and only told him on Friday. It comes out after "is that the real problem, or is there something underneath it?"
3. A one-page note by Wednesday morning, and a call on Wednesday afternoon. The call means he can tell you it's wrong before the board meeting instead of after — it removes the next possible disaster.
Useful Phrases 🧰
Ten phrases for absorbing someone's anger without agreeing to things that aren't true. They work on a client, a customer, a colleague, a passenger, a parent at a school gate. Say each out loud BEFORE you reveal it.
Say it like you mean it. Quieter and slower than him — deliberately. People unconsciously match the voice they're hearing, so if you drop yours, his comes down within about thirty seconds. Do not match his energy, do not speed up to get a word in, and leave a beat before each of your sentences. The pace is doing most of the work here, not the words.
🤐 While it's still running
Phrase 1
The job: what to say while he's mid-flow. Which is right?
A. "Right, well, if I could just stop you there for a second —"
B. "Mm." … "Right."
C. "I understand you're frustrated, but that's not entirely accurate."
B — "Mm." … "Right." Almost nothing, and it's the hardest thing on this list to actually do. A interrupts, and an interrupted angry person restarts from the beginning. C is the classic — "I understand you're frustrated, but" — and the but undoes the first half completely; he'll hear only the correction. Small acknowledgements say I'm still here and I'm listening without conceding anything at all. Let him finish. It takes ninety seconds and it costs you nothing.
Take it anywhere: "Mm." "Right." "Okay." The cheapest de-escalation there is.
Phrase 2
The job: explaining why you're not defending yourself yet — so silence doesn't read as guilt. Put the pieces in order:
while you're still angry,I'm not going to defend anythingmake it worse.because that'll just
"I'm not going to defend anything while you're still angry, because that'll just make it worse." Saying the strategy out loud is oddly powerful. It tells him you have a defence and are choosing not to deploy it yet, which is much stronger than having no defence — and it names the dynamic you're both in, which usually breaks it. Most people find it hard to keep shouting at someone who has just explained, calmly, why they're not shouting back.
Take it anywhere: "I'm not going to argue while you're this angry — it won't help either of us."
✅ Taking your part
Phrase 3
The job: separating the bit that's genuinely yours from everything else. Complete it:
"Can I take the ___ ___ ___ ours first?"
"Can I take the bit that's ours first?" The word first is carrying the whole sentence. It concedes something immediately — which is what he needs — while quietly reserving the right to talk about the rest afterwards. Asking permission slows the exchange down and hands him a small piece of control, which an angry person is usually short of.
Take it anywhere: "Can I take the bit that's ours first?"
Phrase 4
The job: the apology itself — for a specific thing, with no explanation attached. Say it out loud, then write it.
e.g. "You should have had a status update in April and you didn't. That's ours, it's mine, and I'm not going to explain it away. I'm sorry." Specific, so it can't be read as a blanket admission of everything he's accused you of. "I'm not going to explain it away" is what makes it land — most apologies at work arrive glued to a reason, and the reason is what makes people feel they haven't really been apologised to. Say the sorry last, and then stop talking.
Take it anywhere: "That's ours. I'm not going to explain it away. I'm sorry."
🗣️ Doing this in your second language
Phrase 5
The job: asking someone to slow down without sounding like you can't cope. Which version keeps your authority?
A. "Sorry, my English isn't good enough when you speak this fast."
B. "Sorry — can you slow down for me a second? I want to make sure I've got the actual problem."
C. "Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Yes."
B — "Sorry — can you slow down for me a second? I want to make sure I've got the actual problem." A apologises for yourself and hands him a reason to doubt you. C is the commonest thing people do in a second language under pressure — agreeing to things they haven't followed — and it's how you end up committed to something impossible. B reframes the request entirely: you're not slowing down because you're struggling, you're slowing down because you intend to solve it properly. It has the useful side-effect of lowering the temperature.
Take it anywhere: "Can you slow down a second? I want to make sure I've got this right."
Phrase 6
The job: checking you've understood by saying it back in your own plain words. Complete it:
"Just so I've got this ___ — Thursday is the deadline, and what you need is…"
"Just so I've got this right — …" Two jobs at once. It confirms you've followed a fast, angry monologue in a second language, and it forces the complaint into one plain sentence — which is often the first time he has heard it stated calmly. Use your own words, not his: repeating his phrasing can hide a misunderstanding inside familiar sounds.
Take it anywhere: "Just so I've got this right — …" One of the most useful phrases in this whole series.
🔍 Finding what's really wrong
Phrase 7
The job: asking whether the stated problem is the actual problem. Put the pieces in order:
or is thereIs that the real problem,something underneath it?
"Is that the real problem, or is there something underneath it?" The question that changes the call. Disproportionate anger nearly always has something else behind it — a board meeting, a boss, an embarrassment — and people will very often tell you if you ask plainly and without judgement. Once Anton says the real thing, you stop being the enemy and become the person helping him with it.
Take it anywhere: "Is that the real problem, or is there something underneath it?"
Phrase 8
The job: responding when they admit the real thing — without gloating or dismissing it. Complete it:
"Ah. Right. That's a different problem, and I'd have been ___ too."
"That's a different problem, and I'd have been furious too." He has just admitted he's been shouting at you about something that isn't your fault. Any hint of well, exactly and the goodwill evaporates. "I'd have been furious too" legitimises the anger while moving it off you, and it's usually true — being told about a gap by your own team four days before the board is genuinely infuriating.
Take it anywhere: "That's a different problem, and I'd have been furious too."
🔧 Getting to the useful bit
Phrase 9
The job: turning it from a complaint into a task. Say it out loud, then write it.
e.g. "What would you need in your hand on Thursday for it to be survivable?" "In your hand" is the useful part — it asks for a physical, deliverable thing rather than a feeling or an outcome. And "survivable" is honest: you're not promising to fix his board meeting, only to make it possible to walk into. Asking what someone needs, specifically, is how an argument becomes a job.
Take it anywhere: "What would you need in your hand for this to be survivable?"
Phrase 10
The job: committing to something, plus a check that prevents the next explosion. Complete it:
"You'll have it Wednesday morning. And I'll ring you Wednesday afternoon so you can tell me it's ___ before Thursday rather than after."
"…so you can tell me it's wrong before Thursday rather than after." The second half is the professional bit and almost nobody does it. Delivering on time isn't enough — the thing that causes the next angry call is a document that turned out to be wrong at the worst possible moment. Building in a checkpoint before the deadline hands him control and removes the next disaster. Say it in those words: tell me it's wrong.
Take it anywhere: "I'll check in before, so you can tell me it's wrong in time."
🔑 Make them yours
These work on anyone who's shouting — a client, a customer, a colleague, a relative. Say each answer out loud before you type it.
"Can I take the bit that's ours first?" — think of a row you've had. What was genuinely yours?
"Is that the real problem, or is there something underneath it?" — when has someone's anger been about something else?
"Can you slow down a second? I want to make sure I've got this right." — when have you agreed to something you hadn't followed?
Quick test: run it out loud using all ten — Mm, right → not defending while you're angry → take the bit that's ours → the specific apology → slow down for me → just so I've got this right → is there something underneath → I'd have been furious too → what do you need in your hand → tell me it's wrong before Thursday. Check your volume. If you got louder anywhere, do it again quieter.
Your Turn 🎭
Now you take the call. Twice — once absorbing, once shouting.
Round 1 — he's shouting at you
Use a real difficult client or customer if you have one. He's already ninety seconds in.
He's mid-flow. What do you say?
He's finished. Explain why you haven't defended yourself.
Take your part — specific, no explanation.
He's going too fast. Ask him to slow down without apologising for your English.
Say the problem back in your own words, then ask what's underneath.
Turn it into a task, and build in the checkpoint.
Round 2 — now you're the one shouting
Swap. You're Anton: your board meets Thursday, your own team hid a problem from you until Friday, and you're taking it out on a supplier because they're the only person you're allowed to shout at. This half teaches you what anger sounds like from inside.
Open the call. Angry, and not entirely fair.
They apologise for one specific thing and refuse to explain it away. React honestly.
Admit the real reason. Say the embarrassing part.
⚡ The twist
You promise the note for Wednesday morning. On Tuesday you discover the April update genuinely was sent — to Anton's own finance director, who never passed it on. You have the email.
You've already apologised for it, publicly and unreservedly. Producing the email now would embarrass him further, four days before his board. What do you do — and what do you say on Wednesday's call?
Before you close the tab…
Can you let someone finish shouting without interrupting to correct them?
Can you apologise for one specific thing without apologising for everything?
Can you ask someone to slow down without apologising for your English?
Can you find out what's actually underneath the anger?
Can you build in a checkpoint that stops the next angry call?
The Echo 🕰️
In AD 60 the Romans flogged Boudica, assaulted her daughters and seized the kingdom her husband had left half to them and half to Rome. She raised an army and burned Colchester, London and St Albans to the ground. The layer of scorched red clay is still there under parts of the City, about four metres down.
Roman writers described it as barbarian fury. It wasn't. It was a governor who took what he was not owed and a provincial administration that had spent years not listening to complaints it found tedious. The rage was the last stage of a process, not the first.
Nobody is burning anything down on a Monday phone call. But the principle holds: by the time someone is shouting, the useful conversation is the one about what happened before — and the person shouting is very rarely angry about the thing they're shouting about.