Nine minutes into a meeting you thought was about the budget. You are not going to take much in after the first sentence — so the job is to ask the four questions that matter and get out with your dignity and the facts.
The Scene 🎬
There's someone from HR in the room. That's how you know before he speaks.
The company is restructuring. Your role is going. It isn't about your work — which is true, and which is the least comforting true thing anyone has ever said.
Here's the practical problem. From the moment he says it you will hear roughly one word in three, and this is the only meeting where you can ask anything. Everything after today goes through a process, a letter, and a person who wasn't there.
So you need very few things: the facts, the numbers, the timing, and a reference. And you need to not say the thing you'll regret, because this room decides how you're spoken about after you've gone.
Have you, or someone close to you, been made redundant? What did they wish they'd asked in that first meeting?
Is there a good way to tell someone their job is going? What would it look like?
YouWinded, still processing, and about to be asked to make decisions. Your only job is to get information and leave well.
GerryYour manager. Genuinely uncomfortable, has done this three times this month, and is braced for you to be angry.
First: read the conversation and notice that You asks almost nothing about why. Every question is about what happens next — which is the only part still open.
The Conversation 💬
A small meeting room. Two of them, one of you.
GerryThanks for coming in. I'm going to get straight to it, because you'll have seen Anneke's here. We're restructuring the division, and I'm afraid your role is one of the ones going.
You…Right.
GerryI'm sorry. It's genuinely nothing to do with your work — you've been—
YouCan you give me a second before we carry on?
GerryCourse. Take as long as you want.
You…Okay. I'm not going to take much of this in, so can we do the facts? Is this a consultation or is it decided?
GerryIt's a consultation, formally. Thirty days. But I'd be lying if I said the shape of it was likely to change.
YouThank you for saying that straight. What's the actual last day, and what happens between now and then?
GerryLast day would be the 31st. Between now and then you're on full pay, and there's a consultation meeting next week where you can put alternatives.
YouAnd can I have all that in writing? I'm genuinely not going to remember this conversation.
GerryIt's all in a letter — Anneke's got it, you'll have it today.
YouGood. Then two more things and I'll stop. Is there any other role in the business I should be looking at — even a sideways one?
GerryThere's the Bristol operations job. It's a step down on paper. I'll be honest, I don't know if you'd want it.
YouI might. Put me down for a conversation about it either way — I'd rather decide than have it decided.
GerryI'll do that today.
YouAnd last one — will you give me a reference? A real one, not the two-line dates-and-title thing.
GerryYes. Absolutely yes. Anything you want, and I'll take a call from anyone.
YouThen that's what I needed. I'm going to go and walk round the block, and I'll probably have twenty questions tomorrow.
GerryAsk me all of them. Honestly. I'm sorry — I know that's not worth much.
YouIt's worth something. This isn't your doing and you've been straight with me. That's not nothing.
From memory — don't scroll back up.
What's the first thing You asks for, before any question at all?
Gerry says something honest that he didn't have to say. What is it?
What four things does You leave the room having secured?
1. A second. "Can you give me a second before we carry on?" — before any information, because nothing said in the next thirty seconds would land anyway.
2. That although it's formally a consultation, the shape of it is unlikely to change. He didn't have to say that, and it saves You thirty days of false hope.
3. The dates and process in writing; a conversation about the Bristol role; a proper reference; and permission to come back with questions tomorrow.
Useful Phrases 🧰
Ten phrases for taking bad news about your job and still leaving with what you need. They work for redundancy, a contract not renewed, a project cancelled. Say each out loud BEFORE you reveal it.
Say it like you mean it. Slow, and quieter than usual. You will want to fill the silence and you must not — the pauses are where you catch up with what's happening. If your voice goes, stop and wait; nobody in that room expects you to be smooth, and taking a moment reads as composure, not weakness.
⏸️ Before anything else
Phrase 1
The job: stopping the meeting while you catch up. Which one?
A. "Sorry, sorry — no, carry on, I'm fine."
B. "Can you give me a second before we carry on?"
C. "Right. Well. That's that then, isn't it."
B — "Can you give me a second before we carry on?" A is what most people say and it costs them the next two minutes of information, which they will not hear. C is a shutter coming down — understandable, and it ends the conversation while it's still useful. B is a completely reasonable request that nobody would refuse, and it buys you the thirty seconds you need before you can process anything.
Take it anywhere: "Can you give me a second before we carry on?" Any moment you've been knocked sideways.
Phrase 2
The job: naming your own state, so the meeting gets reorganised around it. Complete it:
"I'm not going to ___ much of this in, so can we do the facts?"
"I'm not going to take much of this in, so can we do the facts?" Honest, unembarrassed, and strategically excellent. It tells them to stop the sympathetic preamble — which you can't use — and switch to information, which you can. It also lowers the bar for you: you've said out loud that you won't remember, so nobody expects you to perform.
Take it anywhere: "I'm not going to take much of this in — can we do the facts?"
📋 The facts
Phrase 3
The job: finding out whether anything is genuinely still open. Complete it:
"Is this a ___ or is it ___?"
"Is this a consultation or is it decided?" The single most useful question in the room. A consultation is a formal period in which alternatives can be proposed; it may be genuine or it may be a legal formality wrapped round a decision already made. Asking straight out, as an either/or, makes it very hard to give a comfortable non-answer — and Gerry tells the truth.
Take it anywhere: "Is this a consultation or is it decided?" Ask it whenever you're being told about a change.
Phrase 4
The job: pinning the timeline. Say it out loud, then write it.
e.g. "What's the actual last day, and what happens between now and then?" Two questions in one and both are practical: a date you can plan around, and the shape of the intervening weeks — pay, duties, whether you're expected in. Actual is doing its usual work, asking for the real answer rather than the policy one.
Take it anywhere: "What's the actual last day, and what happens between now and then?"
Phrase 5
The job: getting it in writing, with a reason that costs nobody anything. Complete it:
"Can I have all that in writing? I'm genuinely not going to ___ this conversation."
"Can I have all that in writing? I'm genuinely not going to remember this conversation." The reason is what makes it sound like admin rather than the first move in a legal case. It's also true — almost nobody remembers this meeting accurately — and it gets you the document you'll actually need next week, when you're capable of reading it.
Take it anywhere: "Can I have that in writing? I'm not going to remember this."
🚪 Keeping doors open
Phrase 6
The job: asking about other roles, including ones you'd normally dismiss. Put the pieces in order:
I should be looking at —Is there any other roleeven a sideways one?in the business
"Is there any other role in the business I should be looking at — even a sideways one?" "Even a sideways one" is what makes it productive. Managers hold back options they assume you'd find insulting, so unless you widen it explicitly they'll only mention things at your level, of which there are usually none. A sideways move is a role at the same or lower grade — worth knowing about even if you turn it down.
Take it anywhere: "Is there anything else I should be looking at — even a sideways one?"
Phrase 7
The job: keeping the option open without committing while you're winded. Complete it:
"Put me down for a conversation about it either way — I'd rather ___ than have it decided."
"Put me down for a conversation about it either way — I'd rather decide than have it decided." You are in no state to judge whether you want a job in Bristol, and you don't have to be — you only have to keep it alive. "Either way" means you're not committing; the second half is the principle, and it's a good one to say out loud in a room where things are being decided about you.
Take it anywhere: "I'd rather decide than have it decided."
Phrase 8
The job: asking for a reference — and specifying what kind. Which version?
A. "I assume I can put you down as a reference?"
B. "Will you give me a reference? A real one, not the two-line dates-and-title thing."
C. "I'll probably need a reference at some point, if that's alright."
B — "Will you give me a reference? A real one, not the two-line dates-and-title thing." A and C both get you a yes and neither gets you anything useful, because most companies default to confirming dates and job title. B asks for the thing you actually need and names the alternative you don't want, which makes it much harder to give you the minimum. Ask now, in the room, while he feels terrible and wants to help.
Take it anywhere: "A real one, not the two-line dates-and-title thing."
🚶 Leaving well
Phrase 9
The job: ending the meeting on your terms and reserving the right to come back. Say it out loud, then write it.
e.g. "That's what I needed. I'm going to go and walk round the block, and I'll probably have twenty questions tomorrow." Leaving before you fall apart is a legitimate and dignified move, and saying where you're going stops it looking like storming out. "Twenty questions tomorrow" sets up the second conversation — the one where you'll actually be able to think — and makes it expected rather than an imposition.
Take it anywhere: "That's what I needed for now — I'll have questions tomorrow."
Phrase 10
The job: separating the person from the decision — which costs you nothing and buys a lot. Complete it:
"This isn't your ___ and you've been ___ with me. That's not nothing."
"This isn't your doing and you've been straight with me. That's not nothing." Hard to say and worth saying. He's the messenger for a decision made above him, he'll be asked about you for years, and he has just told you the truth about the consultation when he could have hidden behind the process. This sentence costs you nothing today and is the reason he'll take that call from a recruiter in eighteen months.
Take it anywhere: "This isn't your doing, and you've been straight with me."
🔑 Make them yours
These work for any bad news delivered by someone who didn't decide it — a rejection, a cancellation, a contract not renewed. Say each answer out loud before you type it.
"I'm not going to take much of this in — can we do the facts?" — when have you nodded through information you didn't absorb?
"Is this a consultation or is it decided?" — where have you spent effort on something already settled?
"I'd rather decide than have it decided." — what's currently being decided about you?
Quick test: run it out loud using all ten — give me a second → not going to take it in → consultation or decided → last day and what happens → in writing → any other role, even sideways → put me down either way → a real reference → I'll have questions tomorrow → this isn't your doing. Notice you never once asked why. That's deliberate.
Your Turn 🎭
Now you sit in the room. Twice — once receiving, once delivering.
Round 1 — it's your job
He's just told you. There's someone from HR beside him.
Stop the meeting before any information arrives.
Reorganise it around what you can actually use.
Find out if anything's genuinely open, and pin the timeline.
Get it in writing, and widen the search for other roles.
Ask for the reference you actually need.
Leave on your terms, and say the generous thing.
Round 2 — now you're Gerry
Swap. You've done this three times this month, you didn't make the decision, and the person opposite is somebody you rate. You're braced for anger and instead they're being careful and reasonable, which is worse.
Open it. No preamble about the budget.
They ask whether it's a consultation or decided. Answer honestly.
Offer the thing you can actually give.
⚡ The twist
Anneke leaves to take a call. Gerry waits until the door shuts and says, quietly: "Between us — the Bristol job isn't a real option, they've already promised it. And I pushed hard to keep your role. It went to Dev's team instead because he got in front of the board first."
He's just handed you something true, off the record, that changes what you'd do next — and that he shouldn't have said. What do you say?
Before you close the tab…
Can you ask for a moment before taking in bad news?
Can you say out loud that you won't remember, and get the facts instead?
Can you find out whether a decision is genuinely still open?
Can you ask for a real reference rather than a formality?
Can you thank someone for being straight with you on the worst day of your year?
The Echo 🕰️
In 1929 the market fell and kept falling. By 1933 a quarter of American workers had no job — not because of anything they had done, and not in a way that any of them could have seen coming from inside their own week.
What the photographs show, over and over, is queues. Men in decent coats and clean collars standing in lines outside offices, holding the same question: what happens now, and who do I ask. The shock wasn't only poverty. It was discovering that a job you were good at could disappear for reasons that had nothing to do with you.
Your redundancy is not the Depression. But that particular sentence — it's nothing to do with your work — has been true and useless for about a hundred years, and the only thing that has ever helped is knowing what to ask next.